The idea of sex and love addiction conjures up all sorts of images, however, this addiction is as painful as any other. You may be asking, "What is sex addiction or what is love addiction? Can we be addicted to love? How would we know if we are addicted to sex or addicted to love?" To begin to answer these questions and to start to understand sex and love addiction, it is important to understand why the idea of addiction becomes associated with sex and with love。
成癮可能發(fā)生在人一生中任何階段，常常與重復(fù)行為、強(qiáng)迫性觀念，或者在物質(zhì)成癮中，一種特殊的藥物聯(lián)系在一起的。最初行為和想法尚且感覺良好，使人感到欣快地想要重復(fù)這些行為和思維方式。成癮的關(guān)鍵組成部分是人們從特定行為中獲得的欣快感受。感覺良好就具有強(qiáng)化作用，人們會尋找出是什么讓他感覺良好，即使這種感覺短暫一時。伴隨著成癮，他們會出現(xiàn)強(qiáng)迫觀念以及強(qiáng)迫行為，時間和工效觀念喪失，人際關(guān)系和婚姻喪失，身體和心理健康喪失等后果。上癮漸漸會變成一個人生活的內(nèi)在驅(qū)力。
Addiction
Addiction is a process which occurs over time in a persons life. Addiction is usually associated with repetitive behaviors, obsessive thinking about a person or behavior or, in the case of substance addiction, a particular drug. Initially the behavior and the thoughts feel good and are even euphoric causing the person to want to repeat the behavior and thinking pattern. The key ingredient for addiction to occur is the feeling of euphoria the person gets from the behavior. Feeling good is very reinforcing, and humans will seek out what feels good, even if the good feeling is brief and short lived. With addiction comes obsessive thoughts, compulsive behaviors, lost time and productivity, lost relationships and marriages, lost physical and mental health. The addiction becomes the underlying drive for the person’s life。
Sex Addiction
Sex addiction can range from solitary compulsive masturbation to predatory sex crimes. This article will focus on what Patrick Carnes in his book Out of the Shadows refers to as the Level One sex addict. The behaviors associated with this level of sexual behavior are usually within the range of what society views as victimless. Sexual behaviors which occur between what appears to be consenting adults, even if the behavior is illegal, is tolerated and even encouraged, and is often considered victimless. An example would be prostitution. Prostitution is a crime, and participating in sex with a prostitute is a crime in most parts of our society. However, it is tolerated by our society and often viewed as behavior between adults to which both consent--it becomes viewed as a necessary evil. In this view no one is victimized by the other。
Besides prostitution, other behaviors which are in level one include: pornography, strip shows, peep shows, compulsive masturbation, massage parlors, repetitive one-night stands, multiple sex partners, cruising in bars and restrooms, and so forth. More recently we have cybersex, phone sex, or e-sex. The sex addict may participate in one or many of these behaviors, but the behavior is repetitive, compulsive, and driven. What may have begun as a curiosity regarding pornography, soon evolves into obsession. What was meant to be one trip to a prostitute becomes repetitive, expensive, and time consuming--not to mention demoralizing, shame producing, physically dangerous, and emotionally draining. Often the thrill of risky, clandestine behavior is enough to continue the pursuit. The obsessive thinking takes up ever growing amounts of time, even as the compulsive addictive behavior may be becoming less and less rewarding。
Most often these behaviors are done in secret. The addict may reveal the tip of the iceberg to a friend, but rarely the extent of the obsession. If the addict is married or in a relationship, the secret must be covered up with lies and deception. Money spent must be allowed for in the budget. Time lost must be accounted for. Even while the behavior continues to reinforce the obsession, the act becomes hollow and shameful for the sex addict. The problems associated with the addiction begin to outweigh the pleasure derived from the behavior。
性成癮
性成癮從獨自強(qiáng)迫性的自慰，到掠奪式的性犯罪，都可能存在著。本文將著重介紹Patrick Carnes在其書《走出陰影》中所描述的第一水平的性成癮。伴隨這種水平的性行為的一些行為被社會視為其中無人受害，性行為發(fā)生在自愿的成人之間，即使是非法的，仍然是可以容許甚至是可以鼓勵的，畢竟沒有其中沒有人受害。賣淫就是這樣，賣淫在大部分地方都是犯罪行為。但是它能夠被我們的社會所容許，常常被當(dāng)作是成人的自愿行為，這是不可避免的事情，從這種角度看，沒有人會收到別人的問責(zé)。
除了賣淫外，其他第一水平的行為還有：色情作品，脫衣舞，偷窺秀，強(qiáng)迫性的自慰，按摩院，一夜情，多名性伴侶，酒吧或者澡堂攬客�，F(xiàn)在更是有網(wǎng)絡(luò)性愛，電話性愛，乃至虛擬性愛。性成癮可能參與一種或者多種這樣的性行為，然而不管如何這種行為都是重復(fù)性地，強(qiáng)迫性的，沖動性的，受到內(nèi)在驅(qū)使的�？赡馨l(fā)生的是剛剛最初對色情作品好奇，發(fā)展成為強(qiáng)迫性沖動。一次嫖娼的經(jīng)歷可能會再三重復(fù)，耗費大量金錢和時間，更不用說意志消沉、羞恥感的產(chǎn)生，身體上的危險，情感上的衰竭。常常秘密而冒險的行為所帶來的興奮足以維持對這種行為的追求。漸漸地，即使強(qiáng)迫性成癮行為所帶來的欣快感變得越來越淡，強(qiáng)迫性觀念占據(jù)的時間卻越來越多。
大多數(shù)情況下這樣的行為是秘密進(jìn)行的。成癮者可能只向朋友暴露其狀況的冰山一角，但不會透露自己的強(qiáng)迫程度。如果成癮者結(jié)婚或者戀愛了，秘密還會被謊言和欺騙所掩蓋。其中金錢花費要列入預(yù)算，時間花費也要進(jìn)行解釋。即使當(dāng)這種行為繼續(xù)為了增強(qiáng)強(qiáng)迫性而進(jìn)行的，這種舉動對于性成癮者仍然被視為虛偽和羞恥的。這個伴隨成癮的問題帶來的煩惱或許從程度上超過了行為本身帶來的愉悅。
Love Addiction
It may seem incongruous to place love and addiction
within the same context, but if you understand how the addictive process occurs in people’s lives, then it becomes easy to associate the two ideas. Addiction occurs when a person gets hooked on the feeling associated with a behavior. In this case love. Our culture tends to place a high premium on the love between intimates. We view love or romantic love as the basis of a relationship. If there isn’t romantic love, if we don’t feel "in love" with the person we are less likely to think about a long term commitment or marriage. The "in love" feeling is euphoric, and it is quite reinforcing. The longing associated with that early bloom of romantic love is well known and is the subject of love songs, romantic movies, and love stories. Romantic comedies act out the interplay between two people as they move from strangers to being in love. The film expresses the longing, the delight, the humor, and sometimes the pain of romantic love。
Love becomes addictive when that feeling of euphoria which occurs during romantic love becomes the goal. The early stage of a relationship when the other is still unknown, when we can look endlessly into their eyes, when the sound of their voice causes our heart to race, is the bonding stage. This early stage (the beginning, the first meeting, the first kiss) is followed quickly by the first weeks and months of the relationship, and the physical arousal level is high. Researches who have studied human behavior are quite aware of the hormones and endorphins which are secreted in greater amounts during this stage, and which further act to reinforce the bonding. This chemical process can be addictive. That euphoric feeling becomes what is sought after and what triggers the addictive cycle。
Love addicts can be recognized by their movement from relationship to relationship, multiple marriages, affairs while in a committed relationship, and their general focus on the next man or woman who might come into their lives. The flight in and out of relationships soon looses its thrill, and the love addict is left with pain and loss. Some love addicts may be hooked on fantasy lovers. Fantasy lovers are people the addict loves and longs for from a distance. These people may not actually go in and out of relationships, but instead spend large amounts of time in chat rooms, reading romance novels, or going to movie after movie. This frantic behavior is an attempt to feel good. To replicate the feeling of being in love. Unfortunately, what usually occurs is deadening depression. Chat rooms, romance novels, and movies are not negative in themselves, they are meant to be entertaining, stimulating, and fun. For the love addict, these pursuits become the tools of their addictive process. While some love addicts go from person to person, others addict to one person. This love addict creates a fantasy relationship and tries repeatedly to fit the person into the fantasy. Even in the face of evidence to the contrary, the love addict will continue the fantasy of being in love with the perfect mate。
Sex and Love Addiction
Sex and love go hand in hand. When we are in love it often follows that we have sex with that person. We even call it making love。
However, for the sex and love addict, love and sex within the same relationship becomes stale and boring after awhile. The first blush is off, the bloom has paled. In short, the hormones aren’t pumping quite so fast. That euphoric feeling has died down, and the real work of the relationship begins. At this point the sex addict will increase their addictive behavior and the love addict may begin to look elsewhere. The addictive cycle begins (if it ever ended) anew. The cherished hope within the sex and love addict that the new relationship will be enough to break the cycle is met with failure, loss, and shame。
愛情成癮
將愛情和成癮放在一起或許有些不和諧，但如果你理解了成癮過程怎么在人們的生活中發(fā)生之后，將二者聯(lián)系起來就容易多了。當(dāng)一個人著迷與行為伴隨的感受，成癮便發(fā)生了，愛情也是如此。我們的文化傾向于鼓勵戀人間的愛情。我們把愛或者浪漫的愛視為關(guān)系的基礎(chǔ)。如果沒有浪漫的愛，我們就不會感覺到在戀愛，亦不會去想要維持長期的關(guān)系，更不會考慮婚姻。戀愛的感覺就是一種欣快感，對人的強(qiáng)化作用非常大�？释`放爛漫的愛情之花是愛情歌曲、浪漫電影、愛情故事的永恒主題。浪漫喜劇更是上演著一對戀人從陌生到相愛的經(jīng)歷。電影表達(dá)著浪漫愛情的渴望，帶來的快樂，幽默以及傷痛。
當(dāng)以追求浪漫愛情帶來的欣快感為目的時，愛情就成癮了。愛情關(guān)系最初的契合階段中，彼此仍舊不了解對方，我們彼此深深地看著對方的眼睛，對方的聲音都可以使我們心跳加速。這個階段(從開始，到初次約會，到初吻)會持續(xù)一周或者一月，此時生理喚醒水平還是比較高的。研究人類行為的學(xué)者發(fā)現(xiàn)在這個階段，荷爾蒙和內(nèi)啡肽(一種體內(nèi)鎮(zhèn)痛物質(zhì))的含量在秘密地增加，這就會強(qiáng)化愛情行為。這個化學(xué)過程可能導(dǎo)致成癮。這種欣快感就是之后成癮者追求的目標(biāo)，也是引發(fā)成癮周期的元兇。
愛情成癮者可能有以下形式的舉動：關(guān)系的深入發(fā)展，多重婚姻，忠誠關(guān)系中的婚外逸事，并且他們一般著聚焦于下一個出現(xiàn)在他們生活中的異性。在這種關(guān)系中的反復(fù)無常使興奮性降低，愛情成癮者只剩下傷痛和損失。一些愛情成癮者還可能著迷于幻想愛人。幻想愛人是成癮者只渴望在異地喜愛的人。這些人可能不會在感情關(guān)系中反復(fù)無常，但是會花費大量的時間在聊天室中，讀浪漫小說，或者去狂看愛情電影。這種瘋狂的行為是在試圖追求和重復(fù)戀愛美妙的感受。有的愛情成癮者會不斷調(diào)換不同的異性，而有些的對象卻只有一個異性。
Recovery
Recovery from sex and love addiction can occur. The process of recovery is much like recovery from substance addictions. First, the addict begins the process of healing by identifying the painful damaging behavior. By acknowledging their behavior is addictive and destructive, their lives become open to growth and change. The addict learns to recognize how their thinking, their feelings, and their behaviors lead them into the addictive cycle. Frequently, sex and love addicts are depressed and anxious, and begin to feel worse before they feel better making the recovery process painful。
There is help. The sex and love addict is not alone. Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, a 12-Step program modeled after Alcoholics Anonymous, offers the addict a place to learn about themselves and the addictive process. The tools of recovery are available if the person is willing to take the step into a new life. Another important tool for recovery is counseling. Counseling can help the person understand how their unfinished business from the past is affecting them today. They can begin to unravel how the addictive cycle works in their lives。
康復(fù)
性與愛情成癮的康復(fù)是有可能的，就像物質(zhì)成癮的康復(fù)一樣。首先，成癮者應(yīng)該認(rèn)識到這種給自己帶來傷痛損害得行為。通過認(rèn)識到他們的行為是成癮并具有破壞性的，他們的生命將開放、成長和改善。成癮者通過學(xué)習(xí)了解他們的想法、感受和行為是如何誘導(dǎo)他們進(jìn)入了成癮周期的。性與愛情成癮者常常會抑郁和焦慮，他們在感覺改善之前會感覺糟糕，這會使得康復(fù)的進(jìn)程變得困難。
還是有解決方法的。性與愛情成癮者并不孤獨。性與愛情成癮者互助協(xié)會，仿照戒酒互助協(xié)會，提供給成癮者一個場所了解自己以及成癮過程。如果他們愿意踏入新的生活，可以參與到其中。另外一個重要的康復(fù)就是咨詢。咨詢可能幫助了解他們過去心理和人格。
