新概念雙語：為何我們總是對初戀難以忘懷？

Twenty years ago . . . She was my first relationship . . . My first boyfriend . . . I was 17 . . . She was 19 . . . We were crazy about each other . . . We broke up because . . . So much time has passed . . . I find myself thinking of her . . . He keeps appearing in my dreams . . . I’m happily married . . . I’m happily married, BUT . . . I can’t help but wonder . . . We recently reconnected . . . I know I need to move on . . . Please, help . . . What should I do?

二十年前……她是我的初戀……我第一個男朋友……那時我17歲……她19歲……我們彼此瘋狂相愛……我們因……而分手……過去這么久了……我發(fā)現(xiàn)自己仍然思念她……他不斷在我夢里出現(xiàn)……我婚姻幸福美滿……我婚姻幸福，但是……我忍不住……我們最近又聯(lián)系上了……我知道我要向前看……請幫助我……我該怎么辦?

If you spend enough time reading advice columns, you notice a pattern. In the stream of sorrows and quandaries and relationship angst, one word bubbles up again and again. First. My first love. My first time. My first ever. And unlike all the relationships that came after, with this one, the past can’t seem to stay in the past.

如果你經(jīng)?？辞楦袑?，你會發(fā)現(xiàn)這樣一個模式，在傷心困惑以及感情焦慮不安時，通常都會有一個詞反復出現(xiàn)。首個、我的初戀、我的第一次、我永遠的第一個。不像其他后來的感情經(jīng)歷，初戀似乎不愿僅僅停留在過去。

Because long after it ends, our first love maintains some power over us. A haunting, bittersweet hold on our psyches, pulling us back to what was and what can never be again. Unless . . . ?

因為即使結束了很久，初戀對我們?nèi)匀黄鹬饔谩]之不去、苦樂參半的情緒持續(xù)影響著我們的心智，將我們拉回過去，回憶那些曾經(jīng)發(fā)生、以及永遠不會再發(fā)生的往昔。除非……?

But why? Why should this one lodge in our brains any differently than the others, even when the others were longer, better, more right? They just weren’t quite as intense as the first.

但是為什么?為什么初戀就非得留在我們腦海中，與其他經(jīng)歷如此不同，即使其他感情更加長久、更加美好、更加合適?但它們就是不如初戀那般強烈。

The scientific research on this topic is thin, but the collective wisdom among psychologists says it’s a lot like skydiving. Meaning, you’ll remember the first time you jumped out of an airplane much more clearly than the 10th time you took the leap.

關于這個課題的科學研究較少，但綜合許多心理學家的集體智慧來說，這很像高空跳傘。也就是說，你第一次從飛機上跳傘的記憶會比第十次要清晰地多。

“Your first experience of something is going to be well remembered, more than later experiences,” explains Art Aron, a psychology professor at State University of New York at Stony Brook who specializes in close relationships. “Presumably there’d be more arousal and excitement, especially if it’s somewhat scary. And falling in love is somewhat scary — you’re afraid you’ll be rejected, you’re afraid you won’t live up to their expectations, afraid they won’t live up to yours. Anxiety is a big part of falling in love, especially the first time.”

“凡事第一次經(jīng)歷，你會比后面再做這件事情時的記憶要鮮明。”紐約州立大學斯托尼布魯克分校的心理學教授阿特阿倫解釋，他專門研究“親密關系”。“想必第一次會有更多的興奮和激動，尤其對那些有點提心吊膽的經(jīng)歷。而墜入愛河就有點提心吊膽-你會擔心被拒絕，擔心無法達到他們的預期，擔心他們無法達到你的預期。焦慮是墜入情網(wǎng)的一個重要部分，尤其是第一次戀愛。”

So the relationship embeds itself in us in a way that all those who follow never can. Not that the subsequent loves aren’t as good. For most people, hopefully, the ones that come later, that last, are ultimately more nourishing, steadier and more solid. But this doesn’t stop anyone from clicking on their first love’s new profile picture when it pops up on Facebook. You know, just to see.

所以初戀以其他戀愛無法比擬的方式根植于我們內(nèi)心，并不是說后面的愛人不如第一個好。對大多數(shù)人來說(我也希望如此)，后續(xù)的感情經(jīng)歷最終會更加有內(nèi)涵、更加穩(wěn)固、更加可靠。但這并不能阻止人們點開Facebook上初戀最新更新的頭像。你懂得，僅僅是看一看。

It’s possible, Aron says, that the experience is magnified because, for many, it happens during adolescence, when hormones are raging, and every life experience — a bad grade, a big win, a family fight — feels magnified. Even in a fully developed adult brain, “the neurological response to being in love with someone is very strong,” he says. “It’s the same as being on cocaine. It’s this huge desire.”

艾倫說，初戀經(jīng)歷很可能會被放大化，因為對很多人來說，初戀發(fā)生在青春期，那時荷爾蒙暴增，且每種人生經(jīng)歷都會被放大—一次糟糕的成績、一場巨大的勝利、一次家庭爭吵。即使在完全成熟的成人大(微博)腦中，“愛上某人的神經(jīng)系統(tǒng)反應也是很強烈的，”他說，“就像服用可卡因一樣。戀愛的欲望就是這么強大。”

Jefferson Singer, a Connecticut College psychologist whose research focuses on autobiographical memory, says that most people have something he calls a “memory bump” between age 15 and 26. “They recall more memories, and they tend to be more positive memories,” he says. That’s because we experience so many “firsts” during this period, but also because, after the fact, “we have more opportunity to rehearse it and replay it, rethink it, reimagine it, re-experience it.”

康涅狄格學院的一位主要研究自傳式記憶的心理學家杰佛遜辛格說，大部分人在15到26歲期間都有著他稱作“記憶碰撞”的東西。“他們能夠記住更多事物，并且多為積極的記憶。”他說。這是因為我們在這段時期內(nèi)經(jīng)歷了很多“第一次”，還因為“我們有更多的機會排演、回放、回想、重構、再體驗。”

And for first loves, he adds, “I also think it becomes, to some degree, a template. It becomes what we measure everything else against.” Which can become a dangerous game, of course, if your first relationship was exciting, but volatile and unhealthy. Seeking those same highs and lows may lead to frustration at best, wreckage at worst.

對于初戀，他補充“我還認為它在某種程度上成為一種模板，讓我們拿它來衡量其他感情。”當你第一段感情經(jīng)歷非常刺激但卻不穩(wěn)定、不健康時，這無疑會變成一個危險的游戲。刻意找尋與初戀相當?shù)母星?，最好的情況下會造成挫敗，最壞會造成毀滅。

Nancy Kalish has spent more than two decades studying couples who reunite after many years apart. The psychology professor at California State University at Sacramento says that the key to understanding the power of first love is knowing how it shaped us. In your first instance of requited romance, everything feels new, “and together you decide what love is.”

南茜卡利什花了二十多年時間來研究那些分開多年后又復合的夫妻。這位加利福尼亞大學薩克拉門托分校的心理學教授說，了解初戀魔力的關鍵是要了解它如何塑造了我們。在你人生的第一次戀愛中，所有事都是新鮮的，“你們一起找尋愛的真諦。”

Kalish says there’s “nothing magical about first love,” beyond the fact that it happened to be the first. But there is something magical about couples whose love was interrupted and then rekindled later in life. With Facebook, this has become an ever more frequent occurrence.

卡利什說，“初戀并沒有什么魔力”，事實上它只是恰巧是你的第一次戀愛而已。但很多情侶分手后又舊情復燃倒是有些神奇。而有了Facebook，這變得更加尋常。

The pairs who reunite successfully often fit a certain profile, says Kalish. They were younger than 24 when they dated, they grew up in the same place and broke up for some external reason — their parents didn’t approve, or someone moved away or shipped off to war.

那些能舊情復燃的情侶一般都有些共性，卡利什說。他們初次戀愛時都不到24歲，在同一個地方長大，因為一些外界的原因分手-父母反對、一方搬走了或者去參加戰(zhàn)爭。